Take Me To Church

At the beginning of every year it is policy for the teachers at my school to set goals for themselves. And then at the end of year when it comes to our appraisal with our head we reflect on how we have faired over the year. 

This year I have set myself some goals which I hope are realistic but will also push me, but in the quiet recesses of my soul my real goal is a simple one, ‘Survive’. 

I have no doubt that there are countless people who, for their own particular reasons, have a goal similar to mine. Maybe it’s because, like me, you are a mother of small children with a very stimulating yet demanding career. And you just don’t know how you are going to function at a level that is a reflection of your capabilities while at the same time leaving you with enough reserves to be the mother you promised God you would be. 

Or you are staring down the barrel of illness - your own or that of a loved one. Or financial distress. Or marital trauma. It really could be anything. Big or small. And it doesn’t have to be negative either. I get to do a whole lot of stuff that I love this year. But my hugest challenge is going to be having enough time in the day to get everything done and still be a pleasant person. 

I attended a conference over the weekend and the guest speaker - at a primarily academic conference - spoke about burnout. Quite a thing that it has come to this. That our places of work now have to remind us that we need to survive. That we need to stop and do the things we love. That we now have to fill in a list of things we love, like singing, or faith, or the beach, or cooking, and that we have to work out when we last did these things. And the most terrifying of all is the realization that we have not done these things in weeks, sometimes months and even years. 

I was recently criticized for the time I spend in what was referred to as ‘leisure time’. I was criticized for writing my blog - which if you do the maths has been dormant since I went back to work after my maternity leave. In the moment I was so flabbergasted that I was unable to defend myself and was left enraged and defeated at the same time. 

So now I cannot do the things, which literally probably take an hour out of my day once a month, that help me to make sense of my world. I cannot do the things which will prevent me from becoming a medicated bag of flesh.  And I must be made to feel guilty if I do do them?

And the problem is we all tick differently and so what is unimaginable for some is what other need like they need air. Stephen needs a couple of fly fishing trips a year and my brother needs to ride his horse. And my mom needs the ocean and my father in law needs birds. 

And horse riding is for people who have little care for their underbits and birdwatching literally puts me into a coma. But it’s important to the people I love and I respect that. 

But I want to venture further and say that the One who made me does not just want me to ‘survive’. I am throwing the whole of Creation away if I chose simply to panic my way through every day. 

And so this morning I woke up and decided to fuel up on three of my loves. Three which I have not done in months - faith, singing and community. And so I went to church. With my two children. While Stephen did his thing - carpentry. 

The reason I have not been to church in so long is because I need to be 100% present. I think part of my auditory processing issues means that being in the moms and babies room means that I can’t hear because I can’t see people’s faces. And I need to be in immediate community, I don’t like second hand sounds or experiences. 

Gray also doesn’t like Sunday school and so one generally has to leave the service at some point because he’s getting ratty. 

And so I girded my loins and packed some snacks and headed for church. 

And I sat on a comfortable armchair at the back of the church, both my children either folded onto my lap or playing quietly at my feet and I did what I loved. 

And here’s the thing - the time I spent being simply present with my children was the best quality time I’ve had with them in months. There were no meals to be made, no tidying up to be done. We simply just were together. With no distractions and agendas. And I was refueled. 

Isn’t that how our Father wants to spend time with us? In the spaces we love so that we can be ready to receive His love?

Burnout happens when we allow others to tell us how we should be spending our time. When we allow others to monopolize on whatever precious silence we have with their voices of judgement and disapproval. Burnout happens when we forget why we were made. 

And so after my precious time this morning where I was able to both be a parent and meet with my Parent I am going to erase that goal from the inner recesses of my soul. I am going to strive to do the things I love when life becomes saturated. My new goal:

LIVE!