What I Know About School Boy Rugby...

This may come as a surprise for those of you who didn’t grow up with me. In my youth the boys of Winterton used to call me She-Ra. And rightfully so because I was a ferocious, aggressive tyke with a profound love for playing the game of rugby. My rugby playing career came to a resounding end with the breaking of my arm after a serious tackle from Matt Hall. It was also at this point that I started getting pesky boobs and so I had to hang up my imaginary boots forever. Because I never got to go professional - ie play with the right number of players and not on the lawn outside Steve Bolt’s hangar - I don’t know the finer nuances of the game. ‘Chasing the Sun’ was an epic educational video for me in this regard - which incidentally, and not surprisingly, I wept through. But I know that fearless spirit of committing to a tackle and running immortally for the try line (which in my case was always marked with two discarded jerseys). I say I am not a competitive person and I am generally not but when it comes to my team this arty farty, touchy feely, Drama teacher gets the red mist like any hot blooded beef farmer from the Free State. 

My team haven’t done so well in this post-lockdown world of masks on the sideline and limited crowds. Fortunately because I am employed by Kearsney and because I have helped out with first aid I have been able to be one of the chosen few who gets to cheer for her team from the sidelines. From my very privileged position behind the line, and from my vast years of trying to understand the rules of off side and advantage, here’s what I have learnt from rugby. 

1. This one is so obvious it probably doesn’t even need saying but IF you are going to either have a bio or physio supporting your team and giving instructions from the side of the field they must have bigger calf muscles than any of your actual players. 

2. In choosing a team you have to have at least one jack russell. He’s the guy who your opposing team will laugh at and this will lead to chirps like - ‘Were you so desperate for players that you’re using a kid from the under 14D team’. When the starting whistle blows your jack russell will play with the agility of a honey badger and the heart of a lion. He will be everywhere and nowhere. He’ll perplex the half concussed props and run circles round the locks. It will be very hard to catch him and he’ll tackle like he has a point to prove. He’s generally great as a scrum half. 

3. There must always be a mournful player dressed in full school uniform with something in a cast standing on the side of the field. His injury will generally be a broken collar bone or an ACL issue. But really the options extend as far as it is humanly possible to maim a body. He will have been injured in the first match of the season and will spend the rest of the season, if not his life, imagining how things would have been different if he had been able to play. If your team generally lose the season he’ll need therapy. 

4. When it comes to school boy rugby this is an absolute given - grown men may not be able to remember their children’s birthdays but they will sure as hell remember that winning try that they scored for the mighty sevenths in 1987. And they will take you through that try play by play. When reliving these magical moments of near to godliness it helps to play the Gladiator soundtrack in your mind. 

5. There will always be a little medic whose time to shine in life is when he gets to run onto the field with a bag of ice. 

6. The same goes for grade 8 water boys. They will run onto the field with more determination and pizazz than your wing. 

7. The ref is always biased. 

8. Rugby commentators are failed poets. 

9. It doesn’t matter what team you play for or how scrawny you are or how much of a pacifist you are in real life rugby always means war. 

10.  And now my final point - one aimed specifically for my team, and all the other teams licking their wounds and rewatching the game from yesterday for the eleventh time. It takes great courage to put on the jersey after a loss. Because in rugby, as in war, the casualties are great. It takes stamina to go back to practice on Monday and work at the moments that let you down. It takes humility to own the loses and make the decision to try harder. Because this is a game that relies on the total commitment of body to push through the loses into victory you have to be mad enough, driven enough, to put your body on the line even though you know you might lose... again. 

I suppose rugby is a bit like life - some people sail through, some people struggle. Some people are plagued with constant injuries, some aren’t. But a team who always wins will not be able to savour the true taste of a full bodied victory and a team that gives up will never learn the true gift of grit and resilience. 

So better luck next time boys. Let’s tackle harder and watch that full back with the golden boot. Let’s work on fitness and keep our heads in the game. Let’s convert more tries and make the most of every penalty. And let’s never, ever give up. 

Kind regards,

She-Ra

Side Line Critic

Former Rugby Star