The Man In The Mirror

 

I had a delightfully funny digs mate who used to tell me a delightfully funny anecdote about how she used to spy on her baby brother after he had been disciplined. She says her beautiful, curly haired brother would sit cross legged and weep in front of a mirror, stroking his reflection saying, ‘Sorry Lawrence, poor Lawrence.’ It was the perfect pity party. I am actually envious of his balls to the wall sympathy for himself. If we ever found ourselves feeling a little sorry for ourselves she and I would stand in front of our bathroom mirror in our little digs pretending to wail, stroking our reflections saying, ‘Sorry Lawrence, poor Lawrence.’

I think it’s important that children learn to self regulate and deal with rejection or disappointment or making mistakes in a way that helps them to recover and move on. There’s nothing wrong with the occasional pity party, there is, however, something wrong if at some point you don’t pull yourself towards yourself and walk away from the mirror. 

The other day I walked into a coffee shop next door to Eva’s school where I was met with the most shamepies  (pathetic, weak, sad) picture. All it was was an old man sitting at a table by himself drinking coffee. But oh my word the energy streaming off him was so completely tragic. Truly is was tangible. I immediately wanted to make whatever was wrong, right. He was just so … shamepies.

Now let’s just put my reaction into context - I am all but burnt out in the empathy department. Most of us are. Just too much death and illness and crap going on at the moment and we are bombarded with constant visual reminders of it all the time. And yet this old man was able to illicit a deep response of pity from me because he was just so very sorry for himself. 

A moment later a very good friend of mine walked into the coffee shop and approached the old man. She was in a hurry. ‘I’m sorry dad I just saw that you tried to phone me now. I’m sorry I can’t stay, I’m in a terrible rush.’ He mumbled something and she dashed off. My jaw dropped. 

I know this man. I know his story. This man has driven his entire family away from him. This man has emotionally manipulated everyone he has ever loved. This man is alone because of the abuse his family will no longer take. This man is a narcissist. 

And this man is throwing himself the pity party of the decade. 

And suddenly a personality disorder that I have been wrestling with for a very long time suddenly made perfect sense. There are psychological terms one uses for a narcissist like gas lighting, arrogance, lack of empathy, grandiose or vulnerable narcissism etc but it all actually comes down to the man or woman in the mirror.

Well done to the ancient Greeks for creating such a perfect myth for this personality type. A narcissist can only see themselves for most of the time. The mirror’s reflection is purely their own image. The ego’s drive for constant recognition and inflation allows for very little else. Occasionally they might look into the mirror to see what is beyond them - hey, there are other people in my reflection too! And they will become the most charming, seductive people you will ever meet. They really are addictive but soon you realise that you’re  only actually ever given this attention because you’re currently in the frame of their mirror. The moment they don’t need to see you in their reflection you no longer exist. Or at least your feelings no longer exist.

When I start to consider this metaphor in the understanding of narcissists I understand how they manage to continually pull people back into their frames with them - people they have abused continuously for decades. It’s because when you’re in their reflection you feel like a Greek god, or that you’re with a Greek god. And that’s how the narcissists keep their cycle of abuse going. And it works for them because they are incapable of actually feeling remorse, they just exceptionally good at pretending.

And if, heaven forbid, you one day manage to call their bluff and step out of their frame for good the crocodile tears will spring immediately. There are few things less attractive than a person who only loves themselves feeling sorry for themselves. 

And so I will put this to bed. I understand it now and I will no longer be a part of it. I don’t know how you get narcissists to see the bigger picture, and based on what I’ve read it takes a psychological miracle for even the most experienced psychologists to make any form of breakthrough. 

I know that only God can truly shatter the mirror but I also know that narcissists use His name to pretend that they’ve seen the light. 

And I’m not God and I don’t understand how we turn out the way we do but what I do know is that at some point ‘Sorry Lawrence’ needs to turn into ‘Lawrence it’s time to put the mirror away’.