What Dreams May Come

There is a moment in every parent's life where the fog lifts and one can see the nappies for the wet wipes. That first morning where one wakes up feeling relatively refreshed to discover that one's baby has actually slept through for the first time. What follows is an almost hysterical desire to reenact everything from the day before because clearly something worked. 

The tactic generally fails because babies aren't robots but that brief glimpse into a night of rest does provide a glimmer of hope on the long endless, sleepless horizon. 

It doesn't get any easier as children grow older though. In fact it just gets more complex. I dread to my core the moment my children become teenagers because I know what I'm in for and it isn't pretty. My desire to control every aspect of their lives will come to a screeching halt and that doesn't rest well with me. 

Because, and I'm going to be honest here, parenthood has certainly brought out the control freak in me. In a world where there are just too many dangers today's parent has to be mindful of a far greater quagmire than our parents had to be. And it's hard work. 

I vet the television my children watch, the people they are exposed to, the food they eat, the words they use, the choices they make. And I battle watching them drive off with Stephen every morning to school because they are going into a world that I cannot make safe for them. 

But just like the sleeping through baby I cannot recreate the optimal day for them every day because I don't have the capacity for that (at all) but I'm also very bad at trusting that God loves them more than I do and that His grace will be sufficient for them. I absolutely know that His grace is sufficient for me but I somehow battle to trust Him enough to know that He will be there for them when I cannot.

Two weeks ago Eva told me that she loves the green under my eyes (yes thats how tired I am at the moment). I thanked her and told her that they are actually rings under my eyes because I need to get a bit more rest. She had a fever that night and the next morning would have nothing to do with me. Her distance from me continued for two days and she chose to literally follow Stephen everywhere. She also discussed with me who could be her mom should I die. With Eva that's a par for the course conversation because that small four year old brain thinks big things. Eventually on the third day of absolute shut down from me Stephen said that Eva mentioned having a terrifying dream about me where my whole face turned green and I became a monster. Knowing how active her imagination is I can only imagine how terrifying her dream must have been. I then noticed how she would literally not look at my face and when she did it was with a look of absolute terror. 

It broke my heart completely. 

We have since then started play therapy and I have done everything in my power to assure her that I am not a monster and that I love her. But she still has moments when she looks at me and I don't feel like she sees her mom. 

In an instant of feverish dream my dependent baby has become a frightened child. And I feel like I have lost all control over the things that I know will make her happy or sad because, through a nightmare, her biggest happiness became her deepest sadness. 

She is slowly getting better and a few nights ago she slept wrapped around me stroking my face all night whispering, 'You are the queen of Heaven.' I have my fairy girl back but the dream still haunts her. 

Last night again at bed time she started to get frightened when she looked at me and together we implored Jesus to step into her dreams and to give her beautiful pictures. After our prayer she asked for Stephen to put her to sleep and I just had to be ok with that. 

Last night was the first night that Eva hasn't been woken up by nightmares in about three weeks. She came floating into our living room this morning with a cloud of curls around her smiling face saying that she dreamt of flying all night. 

And that's when the penny dropped. When Jesus says he is stronger than all powers and principalities that's what He means. He operates on every level of consciousness and being. His power extends into the world of dreams, of demons, of angels. He has been to hell and back... for us. There is no nightmare, real or imagined, that He has not taken with Him to the cross. 

I suddenly got it. I am Gray and Eva's human parent. I operate in the tangible, real world. I pack lunch boxes and don't allow them to watch Leggo Jurassic Park. But God is the parent on every possible level. He is present in all spheres of creation, including the very complex intricacies of the worlds that shape my Eva's brain. He is before, after, here, then, above and inside. And I am only a part of the universe He has created for my children. The part is huge however, it is my job to be the first reflection of Christ that my children will have of Him. 

And it is that that I must focus on for my children. I cannot be the controlling human who wants to keep the world perfect by constantly seeking to recreate perfect moments for my children so that they will always sleep through. I have to know that sometimes I will be a reason for their joy and their suffering. I cannot be in their dreams with them, I cannot teach them all the lessons they will learn. But I can commit them to the One who can. And it is in that security that I, also a child of God, can rest.