Fight, Flight or Feed
I've just finished wrapping Gray's birthday presents. I wrapped them in left over Christmas wrapping paper, newspaper and masking tape. Rudolph is making his rounds twice this year. Luckily Stephen is into gift giving and has done most of the shopping because this year if it was left up to me Gray would be getting a pair of thermal pj's bought online because I was able to buy them from my bed.
Last night I manged to be by myself for ten whole minutes. It was amazing. We needed milk. I jumped at the opportunity. After shoving a boob into Eva's mouth to make 100% sure she wasn't hungry and prying a screaming Gray off my legs I headed for the hills. Well, the petrol station down the road. Unencumbered by a pram, Baby Bjorn or small child asking for a treat I walked up and down all four aisles of the petrol station shop simply because I could despite the fact that I knew exactly where the milk was. And then when I got back to the car I repeatedly tried to switch the car on by pressing the volume button on the radio.
Just this week all in one day I managed to forget to pick Gray up from school and I left the gas burning on the stove with a pan full of hot oil on for at least half an hour. And the only reason the house didn't burn down is because Stephen came home. I also reversed our one car into the other, despite having park distance control. I just wondered why the car was beeping until the beeping stopped because there was a loud crash.
You may be a bit concerned that I'm losing my mind but I'm not. I'm a breastfeeding mom.
Now I will state that I am absolutely sure that moms bottle feeding babies have very similar experiences in brain failure but I'm only familiar with my specific brand of retardation brought on by breastfeeding so that's what I'm going to discuss in this post.
I am no psychologist but here's what I think...
So we all know that when human beings come under severe stress and trauma they either prepare themselves for flight or flight. And their brains narrow down to deal purely with whatever the threat is. That's the power of adrenaline. We cut out all other arbitrary thoughts and details in order to cope with the big stuff.
I would argue that moms with babies are in this frame of mind all the time. And it's all connected to feeding our babies. And all other sundry details, like burning stoves, get shut off.
At any given moment you could ask a breastfeeding mother the following questions and she will answer you immediately or will do a quick consultation with her boobs and then answer you...
1. What breast did you feed on last and when? If the mother doesn't know immediately she will fondle her breasts in most unsexy way and then reply. She will also be able to give you an approximate time of last feed depending on how engorged her breasts are.
2. How much did the baby drink? Who the hell knows?! Ever!? You can feed a baby for half an hour and they will wake up hungry an hour later. Or you can feed them for two minutes, they'll pull off the nipple and spray milk all over their faces and most of your bra and then sleep through the night.
3. What have you eaten in the past 24 hours? When a normally placid little thing decides to unleash the fury it is very important to be able to pinpoint what might have upset that tiny gut. Sadly this time round its chocolate for me. I may not know the date or what day of the week it is but if you need a menu in retrospect then I am your girl.
4. When did baby last poo? Day or night I can answer this question. It's an endless obsession. Never have bowel movements been more important. Colour and consistency are as crucial. With Gray it was such a big thing for me that I started a group with all my friends who had already had kids and it was called. 'Poos and stuff.' And the group still exists but it's mainly to check on how the post vasectomy recoveries are going. The men are dropping like flies.
5. Did you remember to put in a breast pad? The horror when you suddenly realize that you haven't just as the let down happens is real.
6. Do you have enough time to race to the shops, fetch your other child from school and make it back in time for the next feed? And was your last feed sufficient enough to be able to do this? My constant quandary when leaving Eva with our nanny. There's nothing faster than a breastfeeding mother shopping without her baby.
I could go and and on but I'm sure you get the point.
For a very precious short time in a woman's life she appears to be below par on the IQ scale. She may battle to string a sentence together, she may forget your birthday (or the fact that you were ever born), she may start wearing clothes that make her look like a bag lady (but they have button access to the boob area so they're a win), she might eat a second dinner at ten o'clock at night. But that's OK. She's in mental shut down. She's doing her job and she's doing it well.
She's keeping a human being alive...
With her boobs.
Last night I manged to be by myself for ten whole minutes. It was amazing. We needed milk. I jumped at the opportunity. After shoving a boob into Eva's mouth to make 100% sure she wasn't hungry and prying a screaming Gray off my legs I headed for the hills. Well, the petrol station down the road. Unencumbered by a pram, Baby Bjorn or small child asking for a treat I walked up and down all four aisles of the petrol station shop simply because I could despite the fact that I knew exactly where the milk was. And then when I got back to the car I repeatedly tried to switch the car on by pressing the volume button on the radio.
Just this week all in one day I managed to forget to pick Gray up from school and I left the gas burning on the stove with a pan full of hot oil on for at least half an hour. And the only reason the house didn't burn down is because Stephen came home. I also reversed our one car into the other, despite having park distance control. I just wondered why the car was beeping until the beeping stopped because there was a loud crash.
You may be a bit concerned that I'm losing my mind but I'm not. I'm a breastfeeding mom.
Now I will state that I am absolutely sure that moms bottle feeding babies have very similar experiences in brain failure but I'm only familiar with my specific brand of retardation brought on by breastfeeding so that's what I'm going to discuss in this post.
I am no psychologist but here's what I think...
So we all know that when human beings come under severe stress and trauma they either prepare themselves for flight or flight. And their brains narrow down to deal purely with whatever the threat is. That's the power of adrenaline. We cut out all other arbitrary thoughts and details in order to cope with the big stuff.
I would argue that moms with babies are in this frame of mind all the time. And it's all connected to feeding our babies. And all other sundry details, like burning stoves, get shut off.
At any given moment you could ask a breastfeeding mother the following questions and she will answer you immediately or will do a quick consultation with her boobs and then answer you...
1. What breast did you feed on last and when? If the mother doesn't know immediately she will fondle her breasts in most unsexy way and then reply. She will also be able to give you an approximate time of last feed depending on how engorged her breasts are.
2. How much did the baby drink? Who the hell knows?! Ever!? You can feed a baby for half an hour and they will wake up hungry an hour later. Or you can feed them for two minutes, they'll pull off the nipple and spray milk all over their faces and most of your bra and then sleep through the night.
3. What have you eaten in the past 24 hours? When a normally placid little thing decides to unleash the fury it is very important to be able to pinpoint what might have upset that tiny gut. Sadly this time round its chocolate for me. I may not know the date or what day of the week it is but if you need a menu in retrospect then I am your girl.
4. When did baby last poo? Day or night I can answer this question. It's an endless obsession. Never have bowel movements been more important. Colour and consistency are as crucial. With Gray it was such a big thing for me that I started a group with all my friends who had already had kids and it was called. 'Poos and stuff.' And the group still exists but it's mainly to check on how the post vasectomy recoveries are going. The men are dropping like flies.
5. Did you remember to put in a breast pad? The horror when you suddenly realize that you haven't just as the let down happens is real.
6. Do you have enough time to race to the shops, fetch your other child from school and make it back in time for the next feed? And was your last feed sufficient enough to be able to do this? My constant quandary when leaving Eva with our nanny. There's nothing faster than a breastfeeding mother shopping without her baby.
I could go and and on but I'm sure you get the point.
For a very precious short time in a woman's life she appears to be below par on the IQ scale. She may battle to string a sentence together, she may forget your birthday (or the fact that you were ever born), she may start wearing clothes that make her look like a bag lady (but they have button access to the boob area so they're a win), she might eat a second dinner at ten o'clock at night. But that's OK. She's in mental shut down. She's doing her job and she's doing it well.
She's keeping a human being alive...
With her boobs.
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