The Mom With The Scarf
Within this rainbow is a very special group of children. And most of them have a very special something to them. They are the kids whose parents (very often moms) have cancer.
This post comes entirely from my perspective as a teacher and at the start I want to acknowledge that I will never know the full extent of how it must feel for either a parent or child to have to face such a difficult medical battle while still trying to parent, and be, children
But this is what I know...
There is a sensitivity in a child who has had to face the fragility of the human condition. This only comes from having to acknowledge how close to death we all are. Something happens to you when the center of your universe is threatened - specially when you haven't fully formed your own idea about mortality - you learn to be philosophical. You learn to love hard. You learn to be in a relationship with your parents that some only establish later on in their adult lives, or sometimes never. You learn to be present in the moment. You learn to live fully. But you also live under the constant threat of having your heart completely broken. All of the children who I have taught who have walked with their parents through successful and unsuccessful battles with cancer have shown a maturity, empathy and depth of character beyond their years - regardless of their very different characters as individuals. There is a silence and thoughtfulness to them. There is also the knowledge that one day they will have a capacity for empathy which few humans possess because they will have lived through the worst case scenario.
This is also what I know - and this again comes from my own experience. I have not taught many children whose fathers have cancer but I have taught many children whose mothers have cancer...
A mom with cancer shows up. To everything. With her scarf wrapped around her head or her wig beautifully brushed and her red lipstick shining from a place of deep pain, she will show up.
She will show up more than anyone else will ever show up. And she will sit through two hours of matric monologue performances to get a short three minute glimpse of her son on stage.
She will stand in the cold, perched on a precarious grassy bank, on her son's final day of matric so that she can watch him ring the school bell for the last time.
She will attend every parent teacher meeting. She will sit huddled under a blanket on the side of a field watching an under 15D hockey game. She will reply to your emails when you show concern because her child is a little off colour.
Moms with cancer eat pancakes in bed with their kids. And show an interest in their crappy taste in music. And they Instagram every odd piece of art. And they will sometimes keep their kids at home when they really should be at school. And they hug hard and long. And they don't let a teachable moment go by.
Moms with cancer live.
This past week we had a cancer scare with my mom. We have been overwhelmingly blessed with a benign diagnosis but having had three days of uncertainty and fearful, yet hopeful chats I cannot begin to understand the journey some of the women in my life have had to walk. I managed three days. They manage their entire lifetimes under the shadows of their latest scans. It is the most difficult way to live. But what I have learnt primarily from moms with cancer is that they live the heck out of every day - shadows or none.
In this same week my star student from last year's mom got further bad news. Hers has been an incredibly long battle with cancer, one which she has continued to fight with courage and the most unbelievable sense of humour. She posts pictures of her curly haired boy thoroughly enjoying every moment of first year varsity life in Stellenbosch, and her beautiful, clever competent first born excelling in everything she puts her mind to and her mini me 'laat lammetjie' snuggling and loving her through the tricky days. In short she is encouraging her children to live because she knows that every day is a gift.
To the parents out there fighting the shadows please know that this process will change your children. Most processes do. But also know that they will never, ever doubt your love for them because, for as long as you are able to, you will show up.
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