Mind Full

 

Eva bought herself a beautiful crochet set. The box said it was suitable for ages 3 and above. I would argue that it isn't even suitable for ages 42. 

I thought it might be a lovely Sunday afternoon activity with her. It wasn't. 

After trying to read the very spartan instructions on how to do a slip knot I eventually found a video. I had to watch the video twice to master the art of tying a knot. I then thought I was doing well by not even trying to read the instructions on how to do a simple stitch and went straight for a video again. 

You would think that people doing instruction videos might slow things down given that the people watching their videos are me. Needless to say rather than getting zen with my daughter gently stitching in the winter sun that kak crochet set got swiftly reassembled in its box with the promise that we'll take it to granny's house. 

I have recently been diagnosed with chronic sensitization. I also actually qualify as having fybromyalgia. What both these things mean is that my nervous system is so overstimulated that I now have a heightened threshold of disregulation and I'm in therapy with an OT to try and get it into a more regulated and nonreactive state. 

Which is quite hard when you have a severe hearing problem and you're a Drama teacher. 

It's been quite a journey to get to this point where I have finally found someone who can help me make sense of my neurological and psychological function. And the whole experience has had God moments throughout. 

I was hospitalized and had multiple medical tests done, including MRIs on my brain to try and work out my weird hearing loss. I've had every single blood test done. My hospital experience is in itself quite a story. In short, however, those three days in the neuroward, surrounded by people having seizures and vomiting from brain clots, were literally the most relaxing three days I've had in years. I ate and slept. That's it. It was absolutely marvelous. Can't recommend it enough. 10/10

But basically all the medical investigations came with no answers other than the fact that I'm a healthy woman, with a normal brain who has genetic hearing loss. 

None of this, however, has helped me to understand why, given a choice, I would rather be in a dark room asleep than almost any other activity. 

I have now been in therapy with my OT for a couple of months and it turns out that I don't like being stimulated by anything. I am movement avoidant, I have auditory and visual sensitivities and the only things that I'm OK with is touch and taste/smell. So on the spectrum of general vibes of living I'm not exactly going to be the one to go on a backpacking tour of the world, bungee jumping off every bridge I find. What I do want is to do absolutely nothing and be fed regularly. 

This is where a trust fund would be most welcome. 

So now that I'm learning simple things - like eating meals at the exact same time every day - I'm staring to realise how much stress my brain  and body are generally under all the time. I'm starting to realise how so many things that to other people are literally the best moments ever - like large family reunions or big noisy events-  are stressful to me because my eyes and ears don't like doing heightened moments involving a whole lot of talking and seeing. I also have some pretty intense 6th senses going on (because my other senses are so overwhelmed) so absorbing big groups of people and all their energies and dynamics is like running a marathon for me. 

So back to the blasted crochet. In all this navel gazing its been quite hard to work out what actually chills my nervous system out. Its all well and good to know that I'm overstimulated but its quite another to work out what activities I can do that will chill me out, other than my current 10/11 hours of sleep I get every day. And yes, I know its excessive. 

I used to be an avid reader. As a teenager I would read two books a week. Now if I read a book I get too involved in the story and I battle to come out of the book. So reading is out. 

I can't do yoga because downward facing dog bitch slaps me for a good two weeks afterwards because my vestibular system is so wonky. 

I do like hanging up laundry. So there's that. 

As stated already, I don't do crafts. 

Listening to music stresses my ears out. 

Cooking supper is a good one, so that's on the to do list. 

I absolutely love swimming in the sea but that one is not logistically possible on a day to day basis. I'll just have to bath instead. 

I generally find it very hard to relax at home if I know a bed needs to be made or the dish washer needs to be repacked. And I live with a couple of Wombles so there is always some half finished project to tidy up. 

So ja, I can cook and hang up laundry. And bath. 

And I can blog...

So that's what I'll do.