For Claire Bear Lent Day 5

It is strange how things link together. Ying and yang if you must. This blog is the antithesis of yesterday’s one  

Last night Stephen and I had a rare night away from our children. At about sunset, as we were sitting down to our beautiful meal (not cooked by me) I got a sudden hit of unbearable homesickness. A feeling I haven’t felt since I left school. That feeling that slips under your skin as the world starts to darken. A feeling that tells you that you are not where you are meant to be. 

I had to phone my mom immediately to check on my children. They were gloriously fine. They always are when they’re with their grandparents. But I wasn’t. 

About an hour later my high school WhatsApp group exploded with the news that a very dear friend of mine passed away unexpectedly due to a brain aneurysm. She leaves behind a two year old daughter and a husband. 

And then I realised where the source of my homesickness was coming from. 

Claire. The friend who I shared my first ever stirrings of homesickness with. My friend down the road from Estcourt. My gentle, sensitive friend who would cry in the bathroom stalls with me late at night as we longed for home. Claire whose nose wrinkled up when she laughed. Claire who was always honest and open with me. Who shared my love for family and who always wanted to make things right. 

You never forget the people who walk the journey of adolescence with. That fretful five years of (very slow) emergence from childhood into adulthood. And they become the guardians of your most awkward and reckless choices. Because they are making them too. 

Claire and I shared our journey of pregnancy (via social media) together. We both were carrying little girls. Mine was a smooth pregnancy whereas Claire’s wasn’t. She had to face many medical obstacles in order to finally hold Leah in her arms and I was overjoyed once she was finally able to hold her baby. 

This morning Eva woke up and wanted to know ‘where my mummy is?’ I shudder to think how this morning is going to play itself out in the Tedder and Strydom households. 

I have no answers. And I’m not going to pretend that I do. This is terrible. Utterly horrific. Most of the time death is a slap in the face for us left behind. 

But I will make this promise - Leah if I get to meet you one day I am going to let you know how much your mom loves you. I am going to tell you that Claire Bear is exactly what her name suggests - she was made for love and comfort and cuddles. And she certainly was designed to be your mom. I have no doubt that in the two short years that she got to physically be your mom she probably loved you more and cherished you more than some mothers will do in an entire life time. It was never her intention to leave you but these bodies of ours are easily broken. I pray that wherever you find yourself - whether it be homesick in a bathroom stall or tobogganing across the veld of Estcourt - you will know that your mom is with you. That her love for you expands from this world into the next. That she fought to give you life and that she will continue to do so. 

May God be with all who have lost their Bear.