Ma Wa Gray

Yesterday I sat beneath a cathedral of green trees next to the chocolate Tugela river and I said goodbye to my childhood friend Neil. For those who know Neil or who have been following my blog you will know that Neil had cystic fibrosis.  Today I sit in my chapel of a bed while my children eat Wheetbix and I bid farewell to my Lent commitment of blogging every day for 40 days.  Something happens when you know that you have a deadline to find meaning and beauty in the every day things.  You actually start finding them.  Yesterday I listened as countless people spoke about a boy who, living with a death sentence, lived and loved with more intention than most of us sitting at his memorial. He made every relationship count. He made sure people knew that they were loved. And the last thing he told his two best friends on his death bed was ‘Don’t stop believing.’ In these past 40 days I have lost three friends. My blog has allowed me to honour and grieve them meaningfully....

1. Get dressed. Pay absolutely no attention to face. Mask wearing will be essential.  2. Wonder if makeup has an expiry date.  3. Arrive at function.  4. Try to recognize people you’ve known since you were born.  5. Realise how much a year of socially distancing and letting oneself go can age people.  6. Allow first greetings with people like your class 2 Sunday school teacher to be super awkward because you’re still trying to work out ‘the vibe’.  7. Offer your elbow to the first four people you see.  8. Spot your oldest friend in the world who has been going through a very tough time. Hug them tight.  9. Notice the four who got your elbow glaring over their masks.  10.  Sit a socially distant length from family members who you have just eaten breakfast with.  11. If you’re attending a funeral thank your lucky stars that you’re wearing a mask because A. you forgot to bring tissues and B. it gives you an opportunity for the first ti...

Seed pods drip onto hardened land The fruits of summer stuck in thirsty sand.  The grasses ripen from emerald to gold As the veld thickens in apprehension of cold.  Migrating birds have long left telephone wires Departure means they miss the ice and runaway fires.  Odd bursts of blossom speak of colonial powers  The arrival of outsiders documented in cosmos flowers.  Sleek coats fluff up and heffers thrive The last moments of calfhood before winter arrives.  The natural world so intuitive and old Knows that seasons must change long before we are told.  We lock things in calendars, months and plans When the truth of time is found in our lands.  A farewell to summer - life abundantly free - The death of what was, in anticipation for what will be. 

Several years ago I lived in a very hot foreign land (which I don’t care to name because their surveillance makes other intelligence agencies look like a baby sitting service). The time I spent there was, to date, the most terrifying and painful experience I have ever faced. I felt like every part of what made me me was at war with the belief systems of that place. I underwent a very intense spiritual battle within myself and with the forces around me in order to survive. It is a time I thank God for daily because of how near He was to me and how hard He fought for me. How He changed me during that time was nothing short of a miracle.  One of the ways He showed me His support and care was the very small circle of friends He surrounded me with during that time. One of my very special people was L (who I will not name due to the nature of this post). She too was teaching English at a school, she too was South African, had dark eyes and brown curly hair and she too was completely appa...

I think one of the hardest things about being a Christian is being able to explain the intangible concept of grace and forgiveness. One of the easiest ‘flaws’ used to poke holes in our faith is the idea that we can do something wrong, ask for forgiveness, do it again, ask for forgiveness, do it again and so on and so on. It’s an eternal cycle of clean slate-ing and repolluting. And I totally understand why this spiritual tenant can be criticised and why Christians use it as an excuse to continue committing sin.  As I’ve mentioned before I’ve recently lost some weight. It has been hard work and required sacrifice and self-discipline. I’ve cut out all my comfort foods and have exercised more than I have in years. I’ve lost 7cm around my waist and am a kilogram of my goal weight. Apart from shaving off the fat I’m feeling better than I have in years. I am energised, feel far more positive about myself and am determined to keep to this change in lifestyle.  Yesterday I was treated...

Ok so I'm actually going to use this post as a form of processing, therapy, because I don't know how I feel about the subject yet but I need to hash it out. Call it a stream of consciousness.  So as a teacher I have had to teach some pretty torrid pieces of literature - both novels and plays. One year the set works at one of my previous schools included 'The Kite Runner', 'The Smell of Apples' and 'Disgrace'. That's a lot of hectic subject matter blitzing its way around a classroom. This year one of our matric setworks in Drama is 'Tshepang'. If you are unfamiliar with these pieces Google them because I don't have the emotional capacity to go into any of them.  I am, by and large, probably more sensitive than most. I feel things more intensely than most and if it is an issue that affects children there are no bounds to how I respond. I feel it to my core. It's why I chose to work with children in the first place. I know a woman who is...

Some days you just wake up and immediately start crying. Today’s was that day for me. The loss of Neil has hit us hard. I suppose part of what makes it hard is that it wasn’t a surprise. We have known for the last month that he was battling. And we’ve known for 32 years that every day of his life was a gift.  And so I have moved straight from the usual shock that comes with unexpected deaths and I have gone straight into appreciating who Neil is and how much he has been loved and supported by those around him. Because there is an element of distance with my immediate connection to him I am able to reflect on and pray for all of those who have to face their day to day lives without him.  And I think that this is a special kind of grieving one can do for people. Many cultures have professional grievers and I get it. I think that we can carry people by using our empathy to draw alongside them. We will never fully be able to understand someone else’s grief, even if we’re grieving ...