How to survive a social gathering in 2021 - Jokes - I didn’t. Lent Day 39
2. Wonder if makeup has an expiry date.
3. Arrive at function.
4. Try to recognize people you’ve known since you were born.
5. Realise how much a year of socially distancing and letting oneself go can age people.
6. Allow first greetings with people like your class 2 Sunday school teacher to be super awkward because you’re still trying to work out ‘the vibe’.
7. Offer your elbow to the first four people you see.
8. Spot your oldest friend in the world who has been going through a very tough time. Hug them tight.
9. Notice the four who got your elbow glaring over their masks.
10. Sit a socially distant length from family members who you have just eaten breakfast with.
11. If you’re attending a funeral thank your lucky stars that you’re wearing a mask because A. you forgot to bring tissues and B. it gives you an opportunity for the first time in your life to do a proper ugly cry at a funeral.
12. At the end of the service feel emotionally sated because you have finally shared an experience with actual people. And it didn’t involve a Zoom call.
13. Feel a year of no socialisation well up in your spirit like a stir crazy hadeda.
14. Realise that you’ve forgotten how to interact with people.
15. Let the next ten interactions be super awkward either because you don’t know how to greet them - Elbow? Hug? Fist pump? Full on snog? And then you don’t know what to say to them - You’re alive! You’ve gone grey. Sorry I didn’t recognize you mom. I love lamp!
16. Hit the outdoor snack table.
17. Realise that this will be the first time in a year that actual people will see your face in the flesh.
18. Take off mask in manner of virgin revealing nether regions for the first time.
19. Blush.
20. Almost hear your makeup snigger. Let’s not talk about your tweezers.
21. Eat in manner of the first time you ever ate sushi.
22. Mid bite of something drippy and too big for your mouth be approached by a guy you last saw 15 years ago when you were kissing him in the Bridge Hotel parking lot.
23. Say everything you would never ever say to someone.
24. Half way through conversation put mask back on. Imagine it is Harry’s invisibility cloak.
25. It isn’t.
26. Allow guy to amble off elsewhere while you wait for blush to cool down.
27. Throw caution to the wind and sample everything on the food table.
28. Hug a few people maskless while straining your face as far away from theirs.
29. Realise that after 15 minutes of normal human interaction you are completely exhausted and try to work out how you did this for your whole life.
30. Bid farewell to all and sundry, including old flame.
31. As you walk away shoe breaks. Limp the rest of the way to your car. Know that everyone is watching you.
32. Sit on phone for a bit to destress.
33. Accept Zoom invitation to a christening.
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