K Way Dad Lent Day 27

 

When I was in my early 20s and my desire to procreate and make smaller versions of myself was thwarted primarily by my very picky taste in men I remember constructing a mental list of what I was looking for in the father of my children. 

The list was inspired by a moment I had seen on the side of a rugby field somewhere. Picture it - one of the hottest, most rugged men I’ve ever laid eyes on was standing cheering the game on with a baby strapped to his chest. It was every nesting woman’s dream come true. He looked like the kind of guy who could win the Iron Man marathon, burp a baby and talk about his feelings all in one afternoon. From that moment on I knew what I was after and he had a name - The K Way Dad.

The name really encapsulates it all. Fresh faced, outdoorsy, good looking, rugged and natural. My first K Way Dad set the bar pretty high because to me he was the package deal. And I’m ashamed to admit it but my first searches for husband material were based solidly on looks. 

My original K Way Dad went on to procreate very successfully (obviously) and in my mind he was the most doting and glorious dad. He made up stories for his kids and took them on adventures, he made them feel safe and perfect. They felt pure love when they were in his arms. 

Imagine my dismay when a few years later I discovered (through various sources) that he was not the perfect dad. Far from it in fact. He lacks empathy and kindness and will happily tell strangers that they should never have children. According to my list of must have dad qualities he is an epic fail. I am sure that somewhere in his heart he loves his children but I’m afraid if you have to dig to find someone’s love for their children then perhaps they should have thought twice about bringing children into the world in the first place. No child deserves to grow up not being quite sure if their father loves them.

I grew up a bit after that. Tested the waters some more. Rearranged my list. 

And then one day this man came along who spoke about his baby nephew, a lot. And when I met his friends all their children naturally snuggled up to him. Children know who their safe people are and this guy was theirs. Many of our first dates were spent with close family friends who considered him one of their own. We would babysit their children together and some of my best first memories with this man were in the company of children. He found as much joy in spending time with children as I did and he was affectionate, imaginative and fair with all of them.

And despite the fact that he is many of the initial things I was looking for in a K Way Dad he is so much more than that. A Real Dad doesn’t just put on a show when others are around. A Real Dad sleeps on the floor of your son’s bedroom when your son has a slight cold. A Real Dad doesn’t call looking after his children ‘babysitting’. A Real Dad puts his children first, always. A Real Dad makes sure that even when discipline has to happen his children always know that it comes from a place of deep love. A Real Dad is the person you call for at night when you are feeling frightened. 

I am fortunate to have been raised by A Real Dad. And many of the men closest to me are Real Dads. And I married a Real Dad. When children are loved entirely by their fathers something magical happens. They are often far more inclined to believe in the Real Father, the  big one. Some of the most broken people I know are broken because they didn’t have Real Dads and it is so much harder to convince them that they are worthy of Big Love because the seeds were not sown by their fathers. 

I thank God every day for the men in my life. The men who love me and give me space to grow and who hold my hand and who want the best for me. 

I am grateful for the love of my Dad. He may never wear a K Way jacket but he far exceeds any kind of list that I could write. And it is through the example of love that he set for me growing up that I was able to recognise the same spirit of fatherhood in Stephen. 

And it is through the love of these men that I can receive the love of my greater Father. 

The world needs more Real Dads - and not just in homes - in schools, in businesses, in sports teams, in governments - because then we will come to know that masculinity can be gentle, that discipline can be kind, that hands can be tender and that man-kind can love selflessly.