Me Time Lent Day 28

I think we can judge a lot about a person by what they chose to do when they don't have to do anything.

The other day a friend of mine was faced with the truly rare opportunity of having a whole morning at home to herself over the weekend. Her kids were going to be with cousins and her husband was working. She literally didn't know what to do because she could not remember the last time this magical alignment had happened. She asked me what would I do and I too was completely flummoxed.  

In the end I decided that I would sleep in, eat an enormous breakfast, watch my TV during daylight hours and then nap again. A few years ago this would have been the norm on a weekend and would have been seen as completely uninspired but these days time alone in my own house never happens. There are lots of more noble things I could have said - like going for a run, reading a book, sorting through unwanted clothes and donating them to some charity - the list really is endless but I ultimately took the selfish root and opted for some 'me time'. I think most people with young children would have done the same.

For many of us in our thirties and fourties we are well aware of the discussion regarding the freeing up of time and what to do with it because our parents are at retirement age. The people we love most are suddenly having to decide what to do with their time now that they don't have to go to work every morning. And this can be a real crisis for some. Having a job creates a real sense of identify and vocation for many. And even if you hate the job you've done for the past 40 years at least it was somewhere to go every day. What do you do now if it isn't just a free morning? What if it is the rest of your life?

I have never known my Mom without a project. Ever. She is one of the most productive, versatile, hard-working people I know. And her skill set is vast - there is nothing that she can't do based purely on her sheer willpower to master something and make it a success. She has done everything from establishing and managing bushcamps and guesthouses, to teaching any age group - from four year old's to matriculants, she has run a successful catering business and has directed countless stunning productions. And that doesn't take into account the endless community development projects, fundraisers and charities that she has pioneered and successfully run. There is literally no end to the scope of her abilities.

The other day my Mom and I were having a chat. Someone had approached her and asked her to join a project which teaches Drama to underprivileged schools in our area. Ten years ago I would have put money down in guaranteeing that my Mom would have said 'yes' immediately. It's what she does, it is what she is qualified to do, she's done it her whole life. But she isn't that person anymore. And I think, for the first time in her life, she is coming to realise that. Having survived what we can only assume was a serious dose of COVID last year (she got it in February before it officially arrived in SA) my Mom has only just fully recovered. She was ill for months. Properly ill. And now life is very different for her.

She has learnt to read her energy levels and is getting better at putting up boundaries when she knows she cant do things at full tilt. She is allowing herself to rest when she needs to. She is prioritizing the things she wants to invest her energy into and letting go of the things that are just going to drain her. And she is recognizing that the things that once made her come alive don't do that for her anymore.

But she knows what does make her come alive and it is the greatest gift she can give to us, her children, in her retirement. She is the best grandmother. 

She is not the kind of granny who does things on her terms, when is suits her. She doesn't disappear to her retirement home when things start to fall apart and the children start losing their shit. (In fact I can’t imagine her EVER being in a retirement home). She has invested so much into her grandchildren that she is often the only one who can prevent the children from losing their shit. And she is often the only one who gets them to eat, and sleep, and she will spend time researching the right cream to help with that little spot of eczema. I know for a fact that most of my parent's evenings are spent pouring over the latest photos and videos of their grandchildren and I know that they often go to sleep chuckling over some cute thing that one of our kids said or did. Her life now revolves around running her successful guesthouse (because she will never truly retire), supporting my Dad and loving her children and grandchildren.

The part of her that is always seeking to make things better, make the world better, felt guilty about not driving off to the back of beyond to teach Drama lessons to children. And I get that. It's hard to say 'no' to something that would have previously been a very firm 'yes'. I had to give my mom permission to just be a granny. And for that to be fine. And not just fine, but remarkable. 

We all know that the completely pure devotion and love from a grandparent can make a child feel like anything is possible. Us parents are too busy dreaming of a morning when we can watch our own TV to be able to put into our children the kind of energy that makes them feel indestructible. But grandparents can. And, like everything else my mom sets her mind to, she excels in this.

There will come moments in all our lives when suddenly time is freed up, or when we realise that what we thought was exciting is no longer exciting, or when our role in society suddenly changes and we need to adapt. What we chose to do with these changes is up to us. Finding meaning and something or someone to love is vital. Even if that starts by simply teaching yourself how to love yourself. When we realise that taking time to work out what we want to contribute to the world is not selfish but necessary, when there are less burnt out people running around trying to fight a battle they weren’t called to fight, when we answer the call to ‘be still and know’ then ‘me time’ starts to translate into ‘us time’ because we will have more to give to the people we are called to love.

So here’s to my parents, and all their friends, may this next chapter be one of new passions, deep rest and profound moments of ‘us time’ with the ones you love.